"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:"
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k).
- - - - -
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE":
Who won't notice our internship-level salaries.
- - - - -
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- - - - -
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:"
We have a lot of turnover. (and/or)
Lots of intra-office back stabbing.
- - - - -
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
Guys in gray suits bore you with tales of Total Quality Mgt.
- - - - -
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:"
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- - - - -
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:"
Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
- - - - -
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT":
We booze it up at company parties and after work hours.
- - - - -
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
- - - - -
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:"
If we're in trouble, you have to explain to the customer.
- - - - -
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.
Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power,
Time is Money, and, as everyone knows,
Power is Work divided by Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom,
we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work divided by Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do,
and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work divided by Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M x K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
1From: Jim Moore Jr ([email protected])
2From: "David J. Kocmoud - Computer Shop Supervisor" ([email protected])
3From: Douglas Mason ([email protected])
4From: "jon (j.) bisbey" ([email protected])
5From: "Narasimhan, Seshadri"
([email protected])
>From my good friend Srini. srini raghavan ([email protected])
6Originally from: Bob Greenwald ([email protected])
7From: Andrew Morrison ([email protected])
The following was found in a recent edition of the "New Zealand Engineering"
magazine
